There's a lot of stereotyping about male and female and gender roles in... well, every culture really. One of the fun things about having been raised in a couple of different cultures is that you get to see how flexible these things really are.
There are different expectations, subtle ones, ones that took me a good long time to cop onto. The dynamics of saying "I love you" in this country is a big one. Back where I come from, well... in my so-called mother culture, there is no direct way to say "I love you." The best approximation is "Mein tumsay bhari pyaar karthee hoon," which translates to something along the lines of "I do a great deal of love towards you." Clunky-- not something you can comfortably end phone conversations with. It's very matter of fact too... it comes across as informative and earnest, rather than affectionate.
Instead, we rely on affectionate (and maybe slightly barbed) nicknames and terms of endearment. Jaan means heart. Chooni means loveable one. Pyaari means cutie. You get the idea-- and they're things that I wouldn't be calling anyone if I didn't REALLY like them. The other way of being demonstrative is through action. Being affectionate, or doing nice things like giving gratuitous backrubs or making the significant other a cup of coffee while she's in the shower and I have no earthly reason for being awake... this is my way of getting it across.
One of my exes didn't get this. I got into a lot of trouble for not knowing when to say I love you. I tried to explain, we don't sit around where I came from and say "Mein tumsay bhari pyaar karthee hoon" all day. No dice. I got into trouble for the following:
* Not responding with an I love you back, immediately, whenever she said it. (Sorry, I know a lot of you won't agree with me, but this can be very awkward. Especially when there are other, rather glaring issues and you feel that somebody's actions are contradicting their words.)
* Not remembering to say it at the end of every phone convo. (I mean I'm calling, sometimes multiple times a day, and often very long-distance, aren't I?)
* Not remembering to say it multiple times a day. (Come on now!!)
* Then there was the hand squeeze. I've told some of you about this. She wanted to hold my hand when we were in public, and squeeze three times every so often as a code to say I love you. At which, I had to squeeze back three times. All this because, according to her, This Is What People Who Love Each Other Do. (Seriously? Seriously!! I found this problematic on many levels, including that I would get into a lot of trouble for not responding.)
Ok, so you guys know that I've calmed down about a lot of this, and accepted that when in Rome etc... but really now. If I'm calling you sweetie, cutie, darling, hot stuff, cowboy, or any of the rest of them at every opportunity, or if I'm doing something like holding your hand in public, you can safely assume that I am very fond of you!
Good grief.
There are different expectations, subtle ones, ones that took me a good long time to cop onto. The dynamics of saying "I love you" in this country is a big one. Back where I come from, well... in my so-called mother culture, there is no direct way to say "I love you." The best approximation is "Mein tumsay bhari pyaar karthee hoon," which translates to something along the lines of "I do a great deal of love towards you." Clunky-- not something you can comfortably end phone conversations with. It's very matter of fact too... it comes across as informative and earnest, rather than affectionate.
Instead, we rely on affectionate (and maybe slightly barbed) nicknames and terms of endearment. Jaan means heart. Chooni means loveable one. Pyaari means cutie. You get the idea-- and they're things that I wouldn't be calling anyone if I didn't REALLY like them. The other way of being demonstrative is through action. Being affectionate, or doing nice things like giving gratuitous backrubs or making the significant other a cup of coffee while she's in the shower and I have no earthly reason for being awake... this is my way of getting it across.
One of my exes didn't get this. I got into a lot of trouble for not knowing when to say I love you. I tried to explain, we don't sit around where I came from and say "Mein tumsay bhari pyaar karthee hoon" all day. No dice. I got into trouble for the following:
* Not responding with an I love you back, immediately, whenever she said it. (Sorry, I know a lot of you won't agree with me, but this can be very awkward. Especially when there are other, rather glaring issues and you feel that somebody's actions are contradicting their words.)
* Not remembering to say it at the end of every phone convo. (I mean I'm calling, sometimes multiple times a day, and often very long-distance, aren't I?)
* Not remembering to say it multiple times a day. (Come on now!!)
* Then there was the hand squeeze. I've told some of you about this. She wanted to hold my hand when we were in public, and squeeze three times every so often as a code to say I love you. At which, I had to squeeze back three times. All this because, according to her, This Is What People Who Love Each Other Do. (Seriously? Seriously!! I found this problematic on many levels, including that I would get into a lot of trouble for not responding.)
Ok, so you guys know that I've calmed down about a lot of this, and accepted that when in Rome etc... but really now. If I'm calling you sweetie, cutie, darling, hot stuff, cowboy, or any of the rest of them at every opportunity, or if I'm doing something like holding your hand in public, you can safely assume that I am very fond of you!
Good grief.
I LOVE your sense of humor Leena. I discovered while dating my Turkish ex that 14% of languages don't have a word for love.
ReplyDeleteI think all this means that you weren't in LOOVE with your ex. because although I feel completely the same as you about the hand squeeze during normal circumstances, I did manage to have little codes in public with my ex for " i love ya" and it didn't feel forced. she forced you to do it and you got "in trouble" for it (which is something already ridiculous) so you were afraid of getting into a fight if you didn't respond back...hardly the right sentiment for response.
ReplyDeletep.s. I have NEVER heard you call anyone "cowboy" ...really ? :)